So the trauma is poisoning us, so we can't stop complaining.

Here's my essay about trauma ruining lives and quality of life, and even the little trauma that I had compared to a lot of others (maybe I shouldn't be saying that, it's still valid) getting in my way every time I try to sit down and just have a peaceful day... I value a peaceful day as infinitely as the next person does, that was never the issue even if people thought I liked or wanted to "stir up trouble" by talking about trauma. But it's a need, not a want, and never meant to stir up trouble. 

It poisons us. So then we can't stop throwing up that poison, no matter how badly we want to. No matter how badly we are dying to stop, to just go and love on our loved ones instead. But instead this need to throw up-- not the throwing up and the knowledge that we have to do it or be poisoned, but the fact we ever needed to in the first place-- is ruining our lives and those of the loved ones we would rather be spending quality time with than throwing up in front of. But if we don't throw up, we just die from the poison instead. And that ruins everyone's life too.

It's not that extreme with me personally, but it's bad enough where Teddy and I just want to have a nice peaceful day with our bears and birds and each other, but instead one or both of us gets an attack of bitterness or trauma or sadness over something from before that none of us caused or chose or would ever have wanted or chosen, or in his case, an attack of physical pain from various sources.

At least we know better than to let it make us take it out on each other or leave each other or blame each other or all three.

Because it isn't our choice or something we can control. We do know better, we do have better values than that, and we do know how to do better, and we do care, a lot.

But YOU try telling YOUR brainstem to stop or to forget it or to behave itself or to be more compassionate or attentive or to care more. It isn't a lack of any of those things on your part... it's a literal physical issue. Not even a mental one really. It's the physical issue that is causing the mental issue, in this case. All WE can do is promise each other that we won't ever treat each other like or allow others to treat each other like the way we were treated by third parties before. That helps a lot, but shit still happens. If I knew what to do about it I would... so no third party gets to look at me like that, like I'm choosing to be like this to piss others off or ruin their experience or their lives.