Poem 5: My Manipulation

 I've felt this way at times myself but don't any more, I'm done feeling guilty, and it's not like I'm not doing anything or that I wasn't when I was on the dole.

My Manipulation

I don’t do housework, get a job or go off the dole.

I’ve got to admit they’re kind of right.

I’m digging myself into a deep hole

where it’s harder and harder to see the light

and get a job, already, now.

It’s been a hundred million years.

If my family knew they’d say “wow”.

I’m a personification of their worst fears.

I get, I take, I never give.

I don’t lift a finger to even try.

If the government knew the way I live

they’d cut me off welfare high and dry.

I’m in social housing I don’t deserve.

I’m a scheming little bitch.

I really have a lot of nerve.

One day someone’s going to snitch.

They’ll call the welfare snitching line

and I’ll be in a shelter again.

Because rather than take responsibility that’s mine

I prefer to continue to be a drain.

I complain about myself.

A shrink might say I have insight.

But rather than put my laziness on the shelf

I refuse to do what’s right.

I have some friends who do the same

but they deserve the help they get.

I’m, however, totally to blame

because people like me are a threat

to the Canadian economy,

as we have no reason to be inert.

There are people slaving away who long to be free,

and I’m treating them like dirt,

by not acknowledging I should contribute.

You can defend my crapola all you like

but there’s nothing you can possibly refute

because my habits are like a leaking dike.

One day my laziness will sink me.

It’s getting very much worse and worse.

It’s not really who I want to be,

reaching into the taxpayers’ collective purse.

I need to get a move-on right away.

I’m about to turn thirty.

I’m getting older every day

and here’s where the secret gets even more dirty.

I haven’t worked in ten years straight

except volunteering, for no more than a bit.

I guess I’m just maturing very late

because my brain is made of shit.

Or maybe my life has been too good.

I haven’t really tried since I was in school.

Even then I didn’t do as I should

and strive to stop being a fool.

Even if I get a job

the shame of the last 10 years will still exist.

I feel like an angry mob

will one day find out and I’ll be on their list.

I’m not a good person, I guess.

I’m not hard-working or transparent.

I’m a fraud, no more and no less.

That will soon become apparent.

I know I should get off my ass

and get a job today or soon.

But I clearly don’t have any class

and instead sit here getting fat like a balloon.

I fake mental illness, a serious disease

to not have to get up every day

and go to a boss I have to please

who wants everything done a certain way.

I’m far from selfless, I’m just bad.

I’m evil, and that will come back to bite me.

Any future I once had

has run off just to spite me.

I don’t know what I’m going to do.

I’m going to have to play it by ear.

When the government finally gets a clue

I could be in jail for over a year.

I’m going to try to go to school

and take a course, but will I pass?

And when the others hear what I did they won’t find it cool,

sitting for ten years on my ass.

I’m shitting bricks; I know I will not

have many friends if that’s the case.

I’m so so scared of getting caught,

of falling right flat on my face.

Even though I’ll be taking a class

what will the other students think?

Will one or two of them even harass

me or even kick up a stink?

I want to move on and get a career

but with no experience it’s hard.

I want to so bad but I fear

that for too long I’ve played the disability card

and collected welfare without working

or even really volunteering.

They’ll ask me why I was jerking

the system around. They’ll be leering.

I’m scared there won’t be a way out.

I’m going to try but what if there is not?

At the end of the day, the people with clout

will not think my CV looks very hot.

I’ll have to lie on it, I suppose

if I ever want to work

at anything besides writing prose

or being a grocery clerk.